“I’d like to have a mistress,” I told my wife one day
“To help me through the middle years, it would suit a man my age”
And to my great astonishment, she never said a word
She just looked at me as if to say “Now don’t be so absurd.”
“I’d like to have a mistress, no more than twenty one
With a figure like a goddess, it would keep me feeling young.
She’d make me tea in the afternoon, served on a silver tray
Dressed only in her birthday suit or a skimpy neglige.”

“I’d like to have a mistress, who was tender young and chic,
We’d make love in the afternoons, maybe once or twice a week.
I’d leave the office early and I’d go round to her flat
We’d always have champagne on ice as we’d take a bubble bath.
I’d like to have a mistress who would know just what to do
She’d have read the Perfumed Garden and the Kama Sutra too
And the more I think about it, the more I think it wise “
My wife just looked at me and said, “Why don’t you advertise?”

“I’d like to have a mistress,” so ran the ad next day
“The work is light, the hours are short and we can discuss the pay”
I waited by the phone all day but I got just one reply
When she came round for an interview I could not believe my eyes
At last I had a mistress who was every dream come true
She was sexy, blond and beautiful, ‘though she was twenty-two
My wife gave her approval, she didn’t seem to mind
I hardly could believe my luck, they hit it off just fine.

It was nice to have a mistress, it seemed so civilized
It gave a touch of spice to life, there was always some surprise
But then one afternoon, I found a note upon her door
Saying our affair was over, she’d not see me anymore
I’d like to have a mistress who’d be a little more content
And not go running off on me, not saying where she went
One I could rely on, who would stay with me through life
And not leave me with a note to say she ran off with my wife.

Never Learned to Dance – Green Linnet, GLCD 1124
Words and Music, Robbie O’Connell © 1988
Slievenamon Music (BMI)