“I’d like to have a mistress,” I told my wife one day

“To help me through the middle years, it would suit a man my age”

And to my great astonishment, she never said a word

She just looked at me as if to say, “Now don’t be so absurd”.

I’d like to have a mistress, no more than twenty one

With a figure like a goddess, it would keep me feeling young.

She’d make me tea in the afternoon, served on a silver tray

Dressed only in her birthday suit or a skimpy negligee.


I’d like to have a mistress, who was tender young and chic,

We’d make love in the afternoons, maybe once or twice a week.

I’d leave the office early and I’d go round to her flat

We’d always have champagne on ice as we’d take a bubble bath.

I’d like to have a mistress who would know just what to do

She’d have read the Perfumed Garden and the Kama Sutra too

And the more I think about it, the more I think it wise

My wife just looked at me and said, “Why don’t you advertise?”


“I’d like to have a mistress,” so ran the ad next day,

“The work is light, the hours are short and we can discuss the pay”

I waited by the phone all day but I got just one reply

When she came round for an interview I could not believe my eyes

At last I had a mistress who was every dream come true

She was sexy, blond and beautiful, though she was twenty-two

My wife gave her approval, she didn’t seem to mind

I hardly could believe my luck, they hit it off just fine.


It was nice to have a mistress, it seemed so civilized

It gave a touch of spice to life, there was always some surprise

But then one afternoon, I found a note upon her door

Saying our affair was over, she’d not see me anymore

I’d like to have a mistress who’d be a little more content

And not go running off on me, not saying where she went

One I could rely on, who would stay with me through life

And not leave me with a note to say she ran off with my wife.


Words and Music, Robbie O’Connell © 1988

Slievenamon Music (BMI)