7. The Mistress

© Robbie O’Connell 1988 Slievenamon Music (BMI)

The warning, “Beware of what you wish for, lest it come true” is often thought to be an old Chinese proverb, although there is no evidence to support that contention. As far as we know, it first appeared in Aesop’s Fables around the sixth century BC. There is a more cynical take on it by Oscar Wilde, who in his play, An Ideal Husband,  wrote, “When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.” There can be no doubt that the concept of unintended consequences is well known in all cultures. Over the years it has frequently been used as a literary device in novels and films.

I started writing this song on a whim without any idea of how it was going to end. I suspect I was subconsciously influenced, at least lyrically, by the songs of Flanders and Swann. The character in my song is not unlike the Lothario in their song, Have Some Madeira, My Dear.

However, it just took off and wrote itself. I love when that happens. It is a rare enough occurrence for any songwriter. I had fun writing it. I hope you have fun hearing it. And in case you are wondering, no, it is not based on real events. It is merely a frivolous product of my overactive imagination.

Lyrics:

THE MISTRESS

© Robbie O’Connell 1988 Slievenamon Music (BMI)

"I'd like to have a mistress," I told my wife one day,
"To help me through the middle years, it would suit a man my age."
And to my great astonishment, she never said a word,
She just looked at me as if to say "Now don't be so absurd."
"I'd like to have a mistress, no more than twenty one,
With a figure like a goddess, it would keep me feeling young.
She'd make me tea in the afternoon, served on a silver tray,
Dressed only in her birthday suit or a skimpy negligee."

"I'd like to have a mistress, who was tender young and chic,
We'd make love in the afternoons, maybe once or twice a week.
I'd leave the office early and I'd go round to her flat.
We'd always have champagne on ice as we'd take a bubble bath.
I'd like to have a mistress who would know just what to do.
She'd have read the Perfumed Garden and the Kama Sutra too.
And the more I think about it, the more I think it wise."
My wife just looked at me and said, "Why don't you advertise?"

"I'd like to have a mistress," so I ran the ad next day,
"The work is light, the hours are short and we can discuss the pay."
I waited by the phone all day but I got just one reply.
When she came round for an interview I could not believe my eyes!
At last I had a mistress who was every dream come true.
She was sexy, blond and beautiful, 'though she was twenty-two.
My wife gave her approval, she didn't seem to mind.
I hardly could believe my luck, they hit it off just fine.

It was nice to have a mistress, it seemed so civilized.
It gave a touch of spice to life, there was always some surprise.
But then one afternoon, I found a note upon her door
Saying our affair was over, she'd not see me anymore.
I'd like to have a mistress who'd be a little more content,
And not go running off on me, not saying where she went
One I could rely on, who would stay with me through life,
And not leave me with a note to say she ran off with my wife.