45. Born Again Agnostic

© Robbie O’Connell 1998 Slievenamon Music (BMI)

Born Again Agnostic is a satirical song deriding the business aspect of religion and television evangelism. When I first arrived in the USA, I was amazed to hear the evangelical preachers on radio and television, brazenly pushing their various scams as they snatched up all the dollars rolling in. I found it hard to believe that people could be gullible enough to fall for such a blatant racket. Gullibility, while by no means unique to the USA, appears to have fallen on fertile ground in that part of the world.

The Irish Catholic church, that ensnared me in my formative years, had a much more subtle approach to fundraising. They didn’t need to peddle prayer shawls or perform fake miracles to line their gold-plated coffers. They weaponised shame as the most efficient fundraising method. Whenever they solicited donations from the faithful, the names of the donors and the amounts they contributed would be read out from the pulpit at Sunday mass. The immense potential for embarrassment and shame assured a positive response.

As a strategy, it was as devious as it was effective. It was further supported by the new testament message that only the poor could enter the kingdom of heaven so by taking money from you, they were facilitating your entry into an afterlife of eternal bliss. It never seemed to occur to the members of the flock that if the church luminaries held all the wealth, they were effectively shutting off their own access to heaven. Nonetheless, as business models go, it’s been a proven winner for a couple of millennia.

When I was nine years old, I found a book on world religions in my local library. I was astounded to read about how many of the world religions borrowed ideas from each other. We had been taught that Christianity was the only true religion and that all the others were nonsense. Yet I found that Christianity was based on much of that same nonsense and riddled with contradictions. All non-Christians were doomed to eternal damnation in the fires of Hell by our “all loving God.” Nearly every religion seems to promote the notion that “My God is better than your God.” I realised that one’s religion is mostly based on the geographical location of one’s birth. The divine message might be different but the indoctrination process is strikingly similar.

Morality is often cited as one of the benefits of religious belief but that is a false equivalence. Hypocrisy is a much more evident offshoot of religion. Some of the world’s greatest atrocities were committed in the name of a god. Many of history’s greatest criminals were decked out in religious regalia. Others shamelessly peddled overpriced autographed bibles for personal gain while functioning as a living embodiment of the seven deadly sins.

As a recovered Irish Catholic, I still have residual issues with things like guilt. After seventy five years, I have finally embraced atheism as the only rational doctrine, for me. I dithered between atheism and agnosticism for several years. To say we cannot know for sure if there is or isn’t a god seemed logical at first. However when I considered the thousands of gods that humans have worshipped throughout history, I concluded that they were all manmade answers to the question of existence. The invention a fictitious solution for an existential puzzle may bring comfort to those who embrace it but mythology cannot be equated with reality. All the gods we conjured up were tailored for cultural bias and manipulated by a privileged minority to maintain power and control over the majority.

You may ask, “If there is no God, where did the universe come from?” My answer is, “If there is a God, where did he/she/it come from?” It’s just another version of the chicken and the egg paradox. As Ricky Gervais ironically put it, “Only your God is real. All the others are fake.” So, to quote Iris Dement’s wonderful song, I am content to just “Let The Mystery Be.”¹

Lyrics:

BORN AGAIN AGNOSTIC

© Robbie O’Connell 1998 Slievenamon Music (BMI)²

I’m a born-again agnostic, Hallelujah! I’ve seen the light
Well I never thought that it would happen to me ‘cause I lead such an innocent life.
But I felt like Archimedes when he jumped out of the bath.
“Eureka,”  I said and inside my head I was doing some basic math.

I’m going to start my own religion, get my very own TV show.
I’ll go on at dawn every Monday morning when people are feeling low
I’ll tell them not to worry, everything is going to be alright
And all they got to do is send me a check before midnight tonight!

I’m gonna travel all around the country in a gold plated cadillac
I’ll preach for free and sell souvenirs and all kinds of other crap
I’ll retire by the time I’m fifty just to watch my fortune grow
I’ll write a book every year or two and do occasional TV shows.

I’ll compile an album of agnostic hymns in a boxed two CD set
With a third on me if you call toll free before you take another breath.
With Bono and Bob Geldoff, you’re sure to be inspired.
And you’ll also get, absolutely free, the Agnostic Tabernacle Choir.

Oh, I’m a born-again agnostic, Hallelujah, I’ve seen the light
I’ll have my own demesne in the Caribbean and I’ll make it my paradise.
But I  better get started right away, in case someone else gets there first,
‘Cause there’s just no telling what people might do in a godless universe

1. Video of Iris Dement singing “Let the Mystery Be”:

2. PRODUCTION NOTES:
Robbie O’Connell: Vocal and guitar
Produced by: Jimmy Keane
Recorded by: Gerry Putnam
Recorded at: The Old Vienna Kaffehaus, Westboro, MA
Mixed and Mastered at: CedarHouse Sound and
Mastering, New London, NH
Cover Design: Paul O’Connell and Roxanne O’Connell